Saturday, October 29, 2011

Ramble #2102

When I first landed at Tai, I never imagined that one day it would be my home being quite content at Kaua.  What I found was a place that allows me to surf, meditate, and live in a peaceful environment that encourages tranquility.  The flow of my inner pool had been disrupted by the death and subsequent grief of and for my husband. Moving on wasn't what I wanted to do, but what I had to do anyway. I heard everything from "Life goes on." to "Find someone new." which made me feel angry and muddled.  It felt as if the people in my RL weren't comfortable with this new thing... a gay man losing his spouse. Instead of handling it as one ought to whether one is gay or straight, with patience and compassion. On Second Life, I found a sense of peace and comfort from friends and even strangers. One lady at Bonifacio IMed her condolences and shared with me her story of losing her father. She said she learned it had to be okay to hurt but keep going, because you have to.

When I moved to Tai, I spent hours across the bridge at Chi, listening to the bells, meditating... I found peace and came to a few resolutions that were troubling me. First, that my husband possessed knowledge regarding his health which he chose to keep from me and secondly, that my family had treated him badly the last get together we'd had. I was angry at them and it caused a good deal of distance, but the surf and Chi helped me come back to myself from that ugly place I had sunken into and it allowed me to continue my journey on new, sometimes changing paths. I felt blissful. Now, I'm slowly reconciling with my family, hoping they understand that they were unnecessarily mean to him and that losing him hurt me more than I can possibly describe. I had to see our son fall apart and regain his posture which took many, many months. I had to be strong for him when even I felt fallen in despair, but we got past it.  I feel happy now for many reasons and living at Tai is one of them.